The Book of Anon/The Book of Copypasta

=The Fresh Prince=

Now, this is a story all about how My life got flipped-turned upside down And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised On the playground was where I spent most of my days Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school When a couple of guys who were up to no good Startin' makin' trouble in my neighborhood I got in one lil fight and my mom got scared She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in bel Air'

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

So I heard you like Mudkips

One day on Halloween, I decided to fuck with the major retard at school when I came out of science for break. He was dressed as Ash. Knowing this was going to happen, I brought a Mudkips doll. Thus I started the conversation, making sure no one saw me.

"So I heard you like Mudkips..."

"Mudkips? I LUUUUUUUUUUUURVE MUDKIPS."

"O RLY? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is.." (he cuts me off before I could said 'if you were a Mudkips') "OF COURSE."

"Well I just happen to have a Mudkips here, and."

Before I finished the sentence, which would have resulted in me hitting him across the face with the doll, he grabbed it. In one swift motion his pants were down and he was violently humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips, I started to walk away, because there is no way I'd be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.

Needles to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw him and started screaming. I coolly walked into a restroom, pretending nothing had ever happened; not that I had intended that outcome, but now that it was in play I didn't want to be involved.

I came back two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd round him. He was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up 'EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF' sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out in the middle, meaning he probably did something stupid.

I asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get him to stop, but he bit her for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.

A few minutes later the intruder alarm went off and we were shuffled into classrooms. Over the intercom the principal announced that someone had thrown a flaming plush toy into the library. Uh.. what the hell.

So we were kept there and about 30 minutes later the principal came on again. This time he was saying that whoever was behind the beating should turn themselves in. All of a sudden this woman began yelling "I WILL SUE YOU FOR DAMAGES. YOU LITTLE PUNKS, I'M GONNA SUE..." and it was cut off.

I asked an office later what had happened. Apparently his mother had come to pick him up and threatened to sue for the beating and 'whatever else happened.' The school threatened to counter-sue because of lewd conduct, inciting a riot, and starting a fight.

So I ask you: Do you like Mudkips?

By the way, you MUST ALWAYS EVOLVE IT INTO A MUDKIP! YES

Also, here's a question to ponder: How much mud could a Mudkip kip if a Mudkip could kip mud?

So you heard I like Mudkips

One day on Halloween, someone decided to fuck with me when I came out of science for break. He was completely normal, other than holding a Mudkip doll. Knowing this was going to happen, he brought a Mudkips doll. He started the conversation, making sure no one saw him.

"So I heard you like Mudkips..."

I replied, "Mudkips? I LUUUUUUUUUUUURVE MUDKIPS."

"O RLY? So, would you ever fuck a Mudkips, that is.." What? Is he questioning my faith in the Great and Holy Mudkip? "OF COURSE."

"Well I just happen to have a Mudkip here, and."

Before he finished the sentence, which would have resulted in him hitting me across the face with the doll, I grabbed it. In one swift motion my pants were down and I was violently humping it. Not to get between a man and his Mudkips, he started to walk away, because there is no way he'd be caught wrestling a half-naked crazy guy humping a Mudkips.

Needles to say, within 5 to 10 seconds, some girls saw me and started screaming. I cooly kept on fuckin', pretending nothing had ever happened.

He came back two minutes later, and like any wanton act on school grounds there was now a huge crowd round me. I was still fucking it and baying this real fucked up 'EEEEEEEEEEINNNNF EEEEEEEEEEINNNF' sound. Suddenly a scuffle broke out by me, meaning I probably did something stupid.

He asked someone what had happened. A girlfriend of one of the football players tried to get me to stop, but I bit her (of course) for trying to take it away. Someone called in a few football players (all dressed up like Road Warrior) who proceeded to pummel the shit out of me. Meanwhile the school police were freaking out and having trouble getting in to the situation.

The last thing I remember before I passed out was the ecstasy of finally, indeed, fucking a Mudkip.

So I ask you: Do you like Mudkips?

FUCK YEAH.

Welcome to /b/

Welcome to /b/. You're ours now. Here's what you can expect.

You'll stay for a while, see a few threads, laugh a bit, and see a few odd things. You'll bookmark the place for further amusement. This is where it all begins.

Before too long, you'll find yourself checking on 4chan in increased frequencies. First it'll happen occasionally during the week. Then once every day or so. Then more frequently. You'll find yourself checking on it twice a day. Three times. Once per hour. Before you know it, you'll be browsing it for hours at a time.

Slowly, your life will take a back-seat to /b/. You'll find yourself forgetting to call people. You'll be late for work because you'll be reading legendary threads. Slowly, your life will decline into a mindless chaos.

As /b/ and 4chan slowly consume your mind, your humor will be replaced with our humor. You'll become glued to /b/. It'll be the only place you feel accepted. And then, you'll start accepting the weirder conventions. You'll find yourself fapping to loli, furry, guro, and all sorts of odd things you used to find disgusting. But now it'll all be commonplace for you, as a normal part of your life. Your personality.

And then, someday down the road, you'll realize what has happened to you. Your loved ones will have left you. You'll be alone. Unemployed. Struggling to survive. And worst of all, you'll be hooked. You won't be able to fight it, because we will be all you know, and all you remember. You'll slowly dissolve into madness, or mindless stupidity. Whichever comes first. And then, one day, you will snap, and all remains of your former self will be crushed under our weight.

Welcome, my friend. Welcome, my /b/rother.

Welcome to your new home.

Welcome to /b/.

The Faceless Horde

We are /b/, but are not confined to /b/. Though /b/ is our home we have infected all of 4chan. Whether you are in /a/ or /v/, we are there. We have breached the border of wiki and google. We are spreading, and will continue to do so until all the internet acknowledges that they, in fact, are and always have been one of us. We are terror. We are darkness. We will find you. You will be assimilated, resistance is futile.

/b/ is...

/b/ is the guy who tells the cripple ahead of him in line to hurry up. /b/ is first to get to the window to see the car accident outside. /b/ is the one who wrote your number on the mall's bathroom wall. /b/ is a failing student who makes passes at his young, attractive English teacher. /b/ is the guy loitering on Park Ave. that is always trying to sell you something. /b/ is the one who handed his jizz-drenched clothes to Good Will. /b/ is one who introduced you first to Goatse. /b/ is a hot incest dream that you'll try to forget for days. /b/ is the only one of your group of friends to be secure in his sexuality and say anything. /b/ is the guy without ED who still likes trying Viagra. /b/ is the best friend that tags along for your first date and cock-blocks throughout night. The decent girl you're trying to bag walks out on the date, /b/ laughs and takes you home when you're drunk, and you wake up to several hookers in your house who /b/ called for you. /b/ is a friend that constantly asks you to try mutual masturbation with him. /b/ is the guy who calls a suicide hotline to hit on the adviser /b/ is nuking the hard-drive next time someone knocks on his door. /b/ is the one who left a used condom outside the schoolyard. /b/ is the voice in your head that tells you that it doesn't matter if she's drunk. /b/ is the friend who constantly talks about your mom's rack. /b/ is the only one who understands what the hell you saying. /b/ is someone who would pay a hooker to eat his ass, and only that. /b/ is the uncle who has touched you several times. /b/ is still recovering in the hospital, after trying something he saw in a hentai. /b/ is the pleasure you feel guilty of when you tried playing with your anus during masturbation. /b/ is watching a dog having sex with a chick.

/b/ is wonderful.

/b/ fucked me

Well /b/, you fucked me.

A while ago there was a thread on /b/ explaining the techniques and the adrenaline rush you get from blowing your load on a sleeping girl. Well it didn't sound too impossible to pull off and I had the perfect opportunity last night. I was sleeping over at my 11 year old cousins house because my aunt was going out of town the next morning and she needed somebody to watch the kids. (not underage b& btw, 18 as of july 6th) My cousins friend slept over, who was also 11 and she had the body of a fucking 14 year old, which is how I like it. So I waited until everybody in the house was sound asleep. I took all the necessary precautions (The tv was on low volume, AC and fan running so it will override the sound of my fapping). So I'm standing above this cum dumpster of an 11 year old for 10 minutes fapping at full power. And don't you know literally 3 seconds before I blow my load, the bitch opens her eyes and fucking BAM, steamy load all in them. She screams, waking up my two cousins and my uncle. I don't know what the fuck to do so I run in the bathroom and lock the door. 2 minutes later my uncle is pounding on it threatening to slit my throat. He threatened to call the cops, and I'm not going to jail for blowing my load on some little cunt so I opened it and he caught me right in the eye. Beat the shit out of me, then threw me out the door at 3 am. He wouldn't even let me come back inside to get my car keys, so I walked 10 miles home where my stepdad was awake. He got a call from my uncle, and beat the shit out of me the second I walked in the door. Nobody has spoken to me since.

What the fuck do I do now /b/?

Abortion

Day 1

Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Day 2

Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Day 3

You know what Mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Day 4

Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Day 5

You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Day 6

I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy!! HELP me!! No . . .

Day 7

Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. he is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me, Mommy?

One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.

Alpha Male

I'm an Alpha male /b/.

And girls want to fuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasons you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you fucking touch her beyond that?

Yeah, I'm fucking her.

The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly aks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish?

Yeah, I'm fucking her too, even harder.

The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?

Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me?

And what's more? I laugh at guys like you. When you cry about how much girls treat you bad, and wonder why they can't just see that you're a nice guy who would always treat them right? I nod and tell you to hang in there, you'll find someone right for you someday, don't give up hope man. But inside? I'm laughing my ass off at you you pathetic fuck. Every girl you set your sights on, who isn't a disgusting pig-monster, I'm going to fuck 6 ways from sunday before you even tell her you think she's cute. I won't bother trying when you finally settle for that 350 pound girl who works at hardees, you can have that. Anything else I'm going to cum on her face before you get those lips near it.

And the biggest reason I laugh? It's not me doing all this. It's the girls. When you cry about how lonely you are? Or talk about how you just want to curl up and disappear, and all that emo bullshit? You're triggering her "Don't Fuck" instinct something feirce. You're a miserable weak coward, why would she want your genes? Feel free to buy her a new computer and help her decorate her apartment, you're great for that. But her baby-maker is barking orders at her, telling her to wrap her legs around me and hold on for as long as she can. She needs it, on a primal level you'll never get to see first hand, even if you do get a chance to fuck her. Sooner or later one of them will lay back and spread their legs, but you won't see any hunger in their eyes. They won't beg you to love them forever and make them yours. You won't know what it's like to see her animal side needing you as much as she needs to eat and breath.

And she's cheating on you, I promise that. When she sits around quiet and uncomfortable, acting irritable and irrational towards you, wanting you to just back away and leave her alone, it's not her period. It's because I haven't called her for a day or two and her instincts are telling her to go find me. The primitive section of her brain doesn't want to risk smelling like another man when she gives herself to me, she wants me to know she's completely mine. We do things together she tells you she never would. Her pooper? Mine. I want to give her a facial? of course. I want her to suck the cum out of my dick, even though I just finished pumping away at her ass? she's never going to tell me no. She doesn't WANT to tell me no. She wants me to know she'll do anything it takes to keep me. She'll rim my ass while she's down there sucking me off if it means pleasing me. She'll drink my cum from a shotglass. She'll wear a buttplug when we go out to dinner. She'll sleep handcuffed to my headboard. Anything.

And then she'll go home to you and tell you she's not in the mood today.

I'd say you should become an hero, but you being around makes her want a real man all the more, so keep fagging it up emo bitches, I'll keep that pussy warm while you're crying in the corner.

Anguished Jew

Alright /b/, Listen up and listen good;

Anguished Jew is no longer funny.

Let's face the facts: for the past week or so, every, and I mean EVERY thread has contained at least ten ASCII Hebrews of various forms. Instead of letting massive fails die and disappear off the face of the land known as img.4chan.org, they are continually bumped, thus extending the time it spends on the front page. The whole /b/ experience is ruined. It's worse than the nyro~n bots. It's worse than endless /b/ drama threads. It's even worse than furrys. Look behind the grieving face /b/. Look down deep into its soul and recognize the monster that dwells within. Together, /b/, we must rise and quell this heresy before it consumes everything that makes /b/ worth visiting. Who's with me?

Oh, and inb4 200 anguished Jews.

Ass Pennies

I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies everyday. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with.

Beat Up a Girl

When I was 13, I tied up this girl that was 12 with a jumprope, then beat the fuck out of her.

By the time I was done, her lip was split, her wrists were bleeding from the rope cuttin into them, one of her eyes was swollen shut, she was missing two teeth, her small tits will entirely black and blue, her pussy was bleeding, and I’m fairly sure that several bones in her feet were broken.

When I let her down, she crumpled on the floor and went into a fetal position and just hugged her legs to her chest and sobbed quietly.

I suddenly got very aroused seeing that, so I pulled out my dick (I has actually hit puberty 12, and was hairy, balls dropped and everything functioning) and started jerking off quietly. Eventually, I started to breathe harder, and she noticed what I was doing, and she just looked at me with this look of absolute horror on her face.

It was at that moment that I climaxed and sprayed probably my biggest load of cum ever all over face and chest.

Then, I picked up her torn shirt from the ground, wiped off my dick and tossed it to her.

I told her to clean herself up and that if she ever told anyone, I would go to her house and kill her while she slept, and that if anyone asked who hurt her, she should say a bunch of highschool kids did it.

When I think back on it, I think she was the first girl I ever loved.

...god I’m fucked up.

Bible Black and a 12 year old

/b/ this is bad.

I have a 12 year old sister, and she has fucked me over for life. About three months ago she started getting into anime when i lent her my copy of Spirited Away to watch with her friend. Ever since she has been bugging me to watch some of my anime, Ive lent her some stuff, but a lot of what I have really isn't for kids so I cant lend it to her, but I can hardly tell her its porn.

Well this past friday I was sitting in bed with nothing but a shirt on, watching Bible Black, and fapping away when all of a sudden I hear my door start to open. Panicking I quickly threw my sheets over my lower body, just in time for my sister to poke her head in and ask me what I was doing, She saw the TV and realized I was watching anime and walked in, lucky for me it wasnt a sex scene or she would have known what I was watching. She climbed on to my bed, "can I watch" she asked. of course I said no, but she persisted even after I told her it wasn't for kids. I made her promise not to tell my Mom and explained to her that it was anime where people had sex, and that I really didn't think it was appropriate for her to watch. Even still she wouldn't leave, now threatening to tell my mom that I had hentai if I didn't let her watch. (Im 18 but my parents said they'll kick me out if I bring porn into the house) I VERY reluctantly agreed to let her stay. BIG MISTAKE.

The first thing she does is slide underneath my blanket next to me, not realizing I wasn't wearing pants or that my cock was hard underneath the bunched up sheets. I pushed play on the movie again and it quickly turned into a sex scene, which my little sister started asking awkward questions throughout. It was horrible, not only could I not enjoy the movie, but if I got up to leave or anything she would see my raging hardon, I was stuck. After the episode ended my sister turned to me and asked me "have you ever had sex Sean?" I told it her it was none of her business and she giggled and told me she doubted it because I was fat and never had any girlfriends. I said "fine, Ive never had sex. happy?" she just kind of smiled and said "do you want to?". My heart stopped. "what... with you?" I could barely believe it. "yeah" she said it as if it were no big deal "that movie made me want to try it". I was at a horrible crossroads, I could see three outcomes, say no and probably remain a virgin the rest of my life, say yes and have her laugh at me then tell my mom, or say yes and perhaps have sex for what might my only time ever. Now Im no pedo, but my sister is pretty hot for a twelve year old, her hips are just starting to develop and she had small perky breasts that were very nicely shaped, plus I was (and still am) convinced that this would be my only chance to make it with a female. "Okay..." I said it reluctantly. She smiled and pulled back the covers to reveal my cock, still hard as hell and practically throbbing with blood, she looked at it awkwardly and then reached out one hand to touch it, then put her other hand on my shaft and started to stroke. I then abruptly stopped writing this story and left you all with blue balls.

SUCH A PEDOPHILE!!!!!!!

Blastoise

BLASTOISE WOULD NEVER HURT MY MOM. HE WOULD NEVER MAKE HER CRY LIKE HER BOYFRIEND JOHNNY DOES. IF BLASTOISE WAS MY DAD THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT AROUND HERE.

Anti Furry I have a Dream

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for anti-furries in the history of our *chan.

At least 100 years ago, /b/tards, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, said "Fuck Moot" and made 7chan, 12chan and 420chan. This momentous decision came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Nigras who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Nigra still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Nigra is still sadly crippled by the manacles of furries and the chains of idiocy. One hundred years later, the Nigra lives in a island of sanitry in the midst of a vast ocean of furfaggotry and AIDs. One hundred years later, the Nigra is still languishing in the corners of *chan society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we have come to our /b/ to kill furries. When the architects of our *chans wrote the magnificent words of the Rules of the Internet, they were signing a promissory note to which every anonymous was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all anon would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and most importantly, the right to Fursecute.

It is obvious today that *chans have defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her Nigras are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, the chans have given the Nigra people some justice, justice which has destroyed the furries home. But we refuse to believe that this alone will rid us of the furry menace. We refuse to believe that these are welcomed here, in our home, at 7chan. So I have come with a proposal — a proposal that will rid us of furries and indirectly, AIDs. I have also come to this hallowed spot to remind channers of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises to the Internet Hate Machine. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of furfaggotry to the sunlit path of purity as a race. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of furfags to the solid rock of /b/rotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of Raptor Jesus' children.

It would be fatal for the chans to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Nigrs's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and an end to furries. Two Thousand Eight is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Nigras needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if /b/ returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in any chan until the Nigra is granted his birthright. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our /b/ until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not care if we are guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us feel free about satisfying our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of epic win and raids.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the plane of crapflooding and lulz. We must not allow our win to degenerate into fail. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting furfaggotry with b&'s. The marvelous militancy which the Nigra community has always stood for, must lead us to distrust of all furries, for many of the furries, as proved time and time again, are gay. Anonymous walks alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the Furry Hating Anons, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Nigra is the victim of the fucking stupidity of furries. We can never be satisfied, as long as our memes, cannot gain lodging in their homeland. We can never be satisfied as long as a Nigra in any *chan (excluding fchan) has to deal with furfaggot bullshit. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from 4chan. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for the end of furfaggotry left you frustrated, without any means to bring about your righteous goal. You have been the veterans of both fail and win. Continue to work with the faith that Furries will indeed YIFF IN HELL.

Go back to /b/, go back to /i/, knowing that we can stop these fucking furries from staying in our /b/, our /i/, our home in the tubez.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the *chan dream.

I have a dream that one day this /b/ will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "Anonymous does not forgive."

I have a dream that one day on the meme filled hills of /b/ the sons of /b/tards will be able to sit down at their computers and go onto /b/ without hearing any furfaggotry.

I have a dream that one day even fchan, a chan made for the furries, will be killed with fire.

I have a dream that all /b/tards will one day live in a *chan where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, their nationality or their intelligence. But simply by if they are a furry or not.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in /b/, with its trolls, with its mods having their dicks dripping with the spit of 9000 lolis; one day right there in /b/, pedos and little girls will be able to fuck. Full force in the mouth, vagina and ass.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every meme shall be exalted, every furry shall be made dead, the femnazis will be fucked at full force, and the lulz will be plentiful, and the glory of Raptor Jesus shall be revealed, and all anons shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to IRL with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our *chan into a beautiful symphony of /b/rotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to get v& together, to stand up for lulz together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of Raptor Jesus' children will be able to post with a new meaning, "This is 7chan, it is made of anti-furry and win."

And if 7chan is to be the greatest *chan this must become true. So let anti-furrydom ring from the prodigious hilltops of 2ch. Let anti-furrydom ring from the mighty mountains of 420chan. Let anti- furrydom ring from the tops of 12chan!

Let anti-furrydom ring from 4chan!

Let anti-furrydom ring from [fa]pchan!

But not only that; let anti-furrydom ring from all chans! From every chan, let anti-furrydom ring.

And when this happens, When we allow freedom to win, when we win from every thread and every post, from every board and every chan, we will be able to speed up that day when all of Raptor Jesus' children, Anonymous, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Nigra spiritual, "Someone screencap this!"

tl;dr: YIFF IN HELL

Dear /b/, I was arrested

Dear /b/, Around 45 days ago I was arrested.My charges included breaking and entering a motor vehical, larceny and something to do with a bank that I had nothing to do with. Now I DID have something to do with the thefting of things from cars and such. But the bank, of course not, I'm not THAT dumb.It started when I and two of my friends were on our way to smoke a blunt in a nearby town.On the way I made a left at a certain stop sign, instantly blue lights flashed in the mirror, I pulled over and a detective that I knew stepped out and started to talk to me, next thing I knew there were 5 cop cars, I knew I was going to jail. After about an hour of waiting on the curb, handcuffed and sweaty, we were taken to my apartment where they searched and found many stolen things. Soon we were taken to another county where I found out about a bank robbery charge. (My cousin was involved in it) I knew nothing about it. Long story short I was tossed in the same group s they for living in the house. The next day I began attending the small bible study class. And decided to stop doing dumb crap, quit smoking pot and turn my life over to God. I began reading the bible and I prayed about it and just let it go. My $60,000 bond was lowered to unsecured. But there was still another, later we were transferred to another jail for a month. It cleared my mind and helped me to learn about the religion I had once turned my back on. I also began to speak with the officer who arrested me and told him everything I did. Encouraging my friends to do the same and they did, well all but one. God helped me to get out. The charge that was holding me ($20,000 now) was in place by a different officer who wanted us to all stay in jail. My lawyers worked it out so that I could be released. Everything is crazy but out of all this I have a new respect for freedom. Something you can not have unless you lose your freedom. I still have court dates and stuff. More info on such later. I love you guys.

It's fucking Grinman

For fuck's sake... Alright, Word Of Power time. It's Grinman. Always has been, always will be. Not Cockmongler. I'm not saying this towards the trolls who've flooded this thread with Cockmongler shit - they've no hope already. I'm saying this for your benefit - the Anonymous onlooker. You may be new and know nothing about this yet, or you may be old and just plain ignorant. But it's not Cockmongler. It started a few months ago, and it's everywhere. Take it from me. It's Grinman. You don't have to believe me, but I recommend that you do. If you don't, just keep it in the back of your head...the last flickering candle of truth. He's the Grinman. Not Cockmongler. Have some Whitecat too (not Longcat).

Failed An Hero Attempt

hello /b/ im 18 years old and i wish to become an hero. I have been with the same girl for 3 years now and i do not see any point of living without her. this is not some copy pasta shit. look at the date. i am leaving her with this note. she is supposed to be here in about an hour.

You truly are the only thing i've ever wanted in my life. I realize that I cant keep thinking about you and waiting for you. My expectations are too high and I fear that I love you more than you will ever love me. You're so hurt and all I want to do is be there for you just like the old days but it seems that you wont allow yourself to be with me. I still feel like you're trying to hold on to me by telling me you love me but I don't think I'm in your heart the same way as you are in mine anymore. I'm afraid of waiting and rejection. I don't want to be hurt anymore. As much as I don't want to let go, I know I can't get in too deep again. I've already said this about a few times but I have a lot to back me up now. I've been through a lot and I know I can move on with a clear consious. this isn't over because of something I did wrong, or because I gave up without trying. I did try and moving on has been a big hurdle for me to get over. Saying goodbye is so hard this time because i know it has to be real. This hurts so much more than i could have ever imagined. I really thought for a long time that we would be married someday. You are my first and only love, and I will never forget all of the good, and the bad times, all the laughs and all the jokes we've shared. The many places we have gone and all the things we have done. Jessica, you have influenced my life in so many ways and you're the thing that kept me going in the hardest of times. I don't know who I'd be right now if you were not in my life.

with love, Jeremy goodbye /b/

The Guide to Grand Ejaculation

It seems that you need some assistance! I consider it my duty to help you on the road to grand ejaculation.

1. DRINK WATER. Two tall glasses of clear, cold tap water. At least TWO hours before any action.

2. This is a differential one. (A) If you are fapping, fap for an hour, rest a minute and drink another glass of water. Then fap for another hour. (B) Although unlikely, you might find yourself in a sexual situation with another human being. The key here is FOREPLAY. Get her excited, and let yourself get excited, but take it slowly and smoothly for maximum pressure when the time comes.

3. Dietary stuff. Celery is VERY good, but that much celery all at once can mess up your stomach. Drink a glass of milk before binging, but start slowly with your new diet. Easy does it. Pineapple is also pretty neat. The key to volume is not only fluids, but also minerals. Zinc is the solution! Zinc is pretty prominent in things mentioned above (probably. I am not a dietist, I am a pedoatrician.) and guess what is chock-full of Zinc? Spinach. If you feel that this is not enough, take about 40 mg zinc a day, in pill form. Upper limit is 50, but consider the fact that you're shoving yourself full of celery and spinach as well.

4. Physical exercise. Although you might hate it, being fit is good for the WHOLE body. Start doing Kegels. Consult the wikipedia entry for more information.

Remember to do all this in MODERATION.

Dragonforce

Humans can only stand so much awesome, it's in our genetic code. Dragonforce, for example, taps into the unused portion of our brains and unravels a sixth sense to a new level of awesome that humans cannot normally experiance. When you listen to Dragonforce, you are not only listening to music, you are taking a journey to another place, another world that some can never hope to behold on their own. Like a scout sent into an unknown land, a voyager on a quest for the unknown, like a tribal Shaman on a spiritual journey...all society can hope for is that you bring back a piece of what you now have engraved upon your soul, and help free the repressed souls and minds of all civilization.

And totally fucking rock out.

I'm a Crazy Bitch

Hello /b/.

I'm a shy and reserved girl IRL. I have my reasons why I'm like this. I'm a Manic Obessive. For the past few years, I stalked and coveted a guy that I fell in love with. I stole his cellphone and copied every single number he had, in order to call him if he didn't answer his phone. He didn't know me or knew anything about me and all the things I did behind his back. I watched his every move to see what he likes and everything. Slowly I began talking to him normally and we became best friends. We like exacly the same things, and I do everything he likes. We dated and everything was perfect. We became a couple. We have 2 years together and have him in the palm of my hand. He loves me to death; he would even die for me. I like that. I like it when he says those things, because he is mine. I covet his mere existance. I want it whole. It's mine and nobody elses. I hacked into his email account and found out he is having an affair with a girl from Virginia. I found an email from Expedia, claming he bought a ticket to Virginia. My head hurts; I vomited 4 times and I have a high fever. I'm shaking so bad right now and I don't know what to do. I want him to be all mine, he is mine. He will never leave me. I want to make sure of that when he comes out. He'll NEVER leave me.

Santa Rape

HEY /b/ IT'S ME SANTA.

I'M IN SOME SERIOUS SHIT THIS TIME. I ONLY DELIVERED PRESENTS TO A FEW HOMES WHEN I CAME TO THIS QUITE COTTAGE. WHILE I FILLED THE STOCKINGS OF THE FAMILY, I NOTICED A YOUNG GIRL, NO MORE THAN TEN CERTAINLY, RUBBING THE SLEEP OUT OF HER EYES TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT ME. "SANTA?" SHE ASKED, STARTING TO SMILE. "UHH...HO HO HO! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING UP AT THIS HOUR?" I ASKED. I SO DESPERATELY TRIED TO IGNORE THE SWELLING OF MY RATHER BULBOUS MEMBER AT THIS POINT, BUT...SHIT /b/ SHE LOOKED SO INNOCENT AND CUTE. I HAD TO HAVE HER. I ASKED HER TO SIT ON MY LAP AND TELL ME WHAT SHE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. A CURIOUS GIRL, SHE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THE GROWTH BULGING FROM MY TIGHT RED PANTS. I SAID THAT SHE COULD HAVE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD IF SHE COULD DO SANTA THIS ONE FAVOR. "JUST PLAY WITH IT.." I ASKED OF HER, RELEASING MY JOLLY MANHOOD. HER EYES WIDENED AS SHE CAUGHT SIGHT OF THIS FESTIVE COCK. HER LITTLE HANDS SET TO WORK STROKING ME OFF. "UMM...LIKE THIS SANTA?" SHE ASKED, PUZZLED AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING. THE SNOW WHITE PRECUM THAT HAD FORMED AT MY TIP LET HER KNOW SHE WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. BUT I COULDN'T JUST SETTLE FOR HER GENTLE TUGGING. I WANTED TO SEE JUST HOW GOOD SHE'D BE...

SHE WAS PERFECTLY OBEDIENT AND SHED HER PAJAMAS AT MY WORD. HO HO, I COULD BARELY CONTAIN MY LOAD AT THE SIGHT OF THIS PETITE ANGEL. HER LEGS WRAPPED AROUND MY PLUMP WAIST AND I SLOWLY BURIED MY THROBBING HARD-ON INSIDE OF HER TIGHT CONFINES. "OOH SANTA, IT..IT HURTS!" SHE CRIED. I EASED UP FOR HER, TAKING EVERYTHING SLOW. I MUST HAVE STRETCHED THE POOR GIRL'S WALLS SO WIDE TO BE ABLE TO FIT IN MY 10 INCH FROZEN PECKER. I POUNDED AWAY FOR WHAT FELT LIKE HOURS, BUT WERE REALLY ONLY MINUTES BEFORE COVERING HER IN SEASONAL SEED, LEAVING HER WHITER THAN THE COLDEST POINT IN THE NORTH POLE. COMING TO THE REALIZATION OF WHAT I HAD DONE, I THREW THE POOR GIRL A WII AND GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. I SKIPPED OVER EVERY HOME ON THAT STREET AND GOT THE FUCK BACK TO THE NORTH POLE. IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW. SHE'LL TELL SOMEONE /b/ WHAT OTHER FAT, JOLLY MAN WITH A WHITE BEARD COULD HAVE DONE THIS TO HER? SHIT, I'M SO FUCKED...

Nyoro~n

Alright, /b/, it's time to get something off my chest in the one place I won't be held accountable in any way, shape or form. Half the people reading won't believe it, and the other half couldn't do anything about it if they wanted to (which they don't), so I'm safe here in the legions.

In the past few hours I have posted various links to the "bpost" program, or embedded it in rar'd images for people to download. However, every one of these links has had a trojaned program inside it - it works fine in that it posts nyoro~n, but it also has a nasty side effect.

Basically, it runs in the background wiping the sectors of your hard disk. Next time you boot your computer, it won't start. Depending on how long you've been running bpost.exe, you may even get errors while you are running Windows now.

The moral of the story is this - DON'T FUCKING FLOOD /B/ WITH NYORO~N OR ANY OF THAT SHIT, YOU DICKHEADS.

Sony vs Nintendo

The DS and the PSP were released at about the same time. The PSP promised great games with superior graphics and media capabilities. The DS promised great games. At first, the PSP vastly outsold the DS. But soon, it became noticed that the PSP would not deliver on it´s promises and the inclusion of great games to the DS library blew the PSP out of the water.

The Wii and the PS3 were released at about the same time. The PS3 promised great games with superior graphics and media capabilities. The Wii promised great games and ´innovation´. At first, the Wii vastly outsold the PS3. But soon, it became noticed that the Wii would not deliver on it´s promises and the inclusion of great games to the PS3 library like ____ and ____ blew the Wii out of the water.

D&D Scenario

The beautiful Princess Thalyncuntel, daughter of the Elven king Elevandorlythen, is a fuckin' slut. Regardless, every single member of the party wants to fuck the living shit out of her hot Elven arse, pooper and all, and spray her with their interracial, multicolored love potions (IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT). But there's a problem, a huge problem.

Due to the recent outbreak of the deadly virus dubbed AIDS in the underground Dark Elven province of Ayphrika, the princess has unfortunately been corrupted by the niggardly fluids of a Dark Elf and has caught the disease. This merely hinders the party's goals in regards of time, these bastards want to shove the shank REAL soon or their Balls of Blue Tinge +1 will explode in a painful array of blood, gore and semen, and that's never any good.

The party find themselves in a dungeon on the Far East side of Faerûn after following the advice of an old crone outside of an inner city brothel (where Tom's mum works). They are informed that the cure to AIDS is hidden deep within the dark recesses of this evil dungeon, guarded by a mighty troll and his band of personal guards. The old crone warned them that the dungeon was part of an old deserted Dark Elf barracks which was burnt to the ground in an effort to try and rid the land of AIDS. She warned that there are creatures that still lurk in the depths and that the disease is rife amongst them.

The usual basic rules are used in this scenario save for a few new ones, specifically created for this very scenario:

All monsters in the dungeon are infected with/have aids poisoned weapons. If a character gets aids, they must roll 2d6 before each turn. One determining if any damage is inflicted and the other determining how much damage. The same rules for poisoned weapons are used for enemies with AIDS poisoned weapons. The dark elf character (in the event of there actually BEING one) has aids, regardless. His motive is to secretly hinder the party as the backstabbing nigger he is and get to the cure before them all. The Dark Elf is also affected by the AIDS damage rule in that before every turn they must roll 2d6 from the beginning of the game, naturally.

Masturbating to Yaoi

Dear /b/,

I have a problem, I'm so pissed off at myself. It all started 3 hours ago while my girlfriend was taking a shower. She watches alot of anime/hentai and well.. loves it.

What I usually end up doing while she takes a shower is looking at her collection, and masturbating a bit, cause she loves it when she walks back to her room and sees my dick hard.

So I find a picture of some hot girls dressed in a gothic lolita dress and start jacking off. Unfortunately her 40 minutes shower turned to a 10 minute one and she opens the door to find me looking at this.

Now the problem isn't that she saw me masturbating, but the fact that she screamed at me and said "What the fuck are you doing looking at yaoi for?"

Incase you don't know.. yaoi is girl porn. I then told her "What?! I'm not gay" And she says "Those are guys dressed in girl's clothes with make up on!"

She then told me to get dressed and get out of her place. She later texted me telling me "Don't come back here until your a man"

God /b/. why the hell do they make this type of stuff...

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! Ok I just called her and she hung up. fuck

Heres how it went:

Her: What! Me: Listen baby, I didn't know they were guys. Seriously they look like girls. Her: They are guys (my name). Guys (my name). Why were you masturbating anyway? huh! Me: Baby, I know you love it when I have a hard on after you finish your shower, so I was just looking at the stuff Her: So my body doesn't turn you on anymore is that it?! Me: Wut. no, I'm not saying that! Her: You clearly could have looked at pictures of me on the laptop, but you decide to look at yaoi instead huh? Me: what the hell (hangs up)

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.........................

FUCK!!!!

GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Gaiafag I

u /b/ losers are worthless u all no that gaians are better cause we are smarter than u we actually have smart posts and stuff we are senistive enough to talk bout our feelings

Gaiafag II

/b/tards are all just fucking idiots that sit behind their computers acting like they own the fucking world. But they only act like this BEHIND a desk, with a keyboard in their hands. They suck at life, they can't do anything they talk about here in real life, and worst of all, they think they're better than Gaia. WTF? This board is the worst thing to happen to the internet in its entire history, and most of the people on here are idiots. "A place for smart people to act stupid"? My ass, you all go here to do things you're afraid to do in public.

Gaiafag III

its amazing the types of people everywheres, and there eaisy to classify. the idiots in /b/ bash gaians for being different. why do they do this. because they think its cool. gaians dont care about what yall think, you know this, there for you bash them because they wont say anything about it. your all pussys, afraid of looking different. you all think your uber cool because you have pictures ZOMG the pictars, why not bash people who will retailate and not pick fights with people who could really care less about you /b/tards and ill tell the truith im all over 4chan and i gaia hell gaias open in another tab right now. thers nothing wrong with gaia..thoe now i seem to think you /b/tards are just big pussys

Gaiafag IV

/b/tards hate gaiafags because they hate everything. Especially themselves. Don't worry about it, the really people on here don't hate you guys. I think the avatars are pretty cool and unique. The only reason why I don't join gaia is because I love forced anon to death. Login names just suck. Anyways, to all the gaiatards out there trying to find a place in /b/: you have my blessing.

How To Treat Your Woman

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "… because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Don't call

Anon Gives up CP

The great experiment is over.

What experiment you may ask? The one I started almost two years ago... Let me explain.

About two years ago, a few months before my 18th birthday I realized that legally I couldn't be shielded from the various pornographic content that I indulged in knowingly under the pretense that because I was a minor I wouldn't be v&'d significantly, anymore. [If you don't know what sort of "content" I'm talking about then all I have to say is either I envy you for your innocence or hate you for your ignorance.]

Thinking this I descended into a strange existential funk... I had realized that even though I was about to enter young adulthood and would be able to partake of porn legally, purchased by myself... my interests that I had in porn seemed exceedingly perverse and unjustifiable... even to me. It seemed like every time I finished jacking off to this... questionable content, I would feel depressed that I actually had any interest in the stuff.

But of course, that didn't deter me from trying a few more times... for a while. A few days later I tried fapping to the stuff and I became ill... not just emotionally ill... physically ill. I almost threw up.

I don't know what happened between my revelation and then, but just looking at the videos I started to think about the abuse and coercion that these girls went through to produce these videos... And then after throwing up into my wastebasket, I cried.

I then thought about the issue more: I wasn't just crying for the girls, I was crying for myself. I had reached such a level of moral and ethical relativism and at the same time consideration for the evils of the content that I didn't know what I felt... And if you've ever been in a situation where you can't qualify what the fuck you're feeling or thinking... you know how I felt.

It took me a few days of one of the most depressive broodings I've ever been through before I could make any further thought on the matter before becoming outraged...

But, then I realized something... That even though I felt disgusted and outraged at the content itself, there were some factors of the content that on a sub-concious or primal level still attracted me to it... And not just "that content"... all types of pornography. Digging deeper I also realized that:

[1] I wasn't a moral relativist, I was a pornographic relativist. As long as the porn contained a vagina, breasts, some sort of sexual contact, or even IMPLIED SO... I could masturbate to it. The added bonus to "the content" was the thrill of the illegality of it... even though the thought of being caught and prosecuted for such materials was one of my greatest fears [and still is].

[2] I was a pornography addict. There was no way to look at it. Past 9th grade, I could barely go even two days without masturbating... My days were consumed with constant sexual thoughts... And yes, I do realize this is normal for males, but like some of my choices in "fapping material", some of my thoughts were even perverse and distasteful to me... I couldn't control them... And even worse whenever my eyes and mind would wander in every day situations... Running groceries, riding the bus, visiting friends... These same disturbing sexual thoughts would arrise almost automatically.

I needed to talk to someone. So I did... I talked to many of my friends... Some of who's perversities equalled or excelled mine. Many said that I was just overreacting and being paranoid... But one friend looked me in the eyes and said frankly [to paraphrase]: "Man, you're obviously split between your morality and your penis... But before you move to either extreme maybe you should consider both aspects."

His words were the only words that I really identified with... but even with his wisdom sealed tightly in my psyche, I still moved towards an extreme---I decided that I would spend some time...I didn't know how much time...masturbating to all different kinds of porn and noting my reactions to each. If I felt over time that my previous ontological outburst was just a reaction to the stress I was going through at the time [some of the worst tribulations of my life... but that is a story for another time] then I would logically and rationally soothe myself every time that I felt guilty for enjoying such "content". But if at the end of this trial-and-thought period I still felt as empty, guilty, angry, remorseful and overall conciously wanting to rid myself of my perversions, then I would go cold turkey... No more porn, no more masturbation.

So I began this long experimentation. It lasted two years... I could detail the extensive process itself, but that, again, is a story for another time. And, I didn't keep any physical or digital notes for fear that if I DID get v&'d for the browsing of this "content" that the notes would surface somehow and be used against me. But, I will tell you the end of the process.

It occured today. Not so long ago. Here is what happened: I browsed some various contents, even browsing some of "that content"... and, for the first time since the original time I did so, I became physically sick. I had the same feeling of vomit slowly creeping through my belly into my throat, the same emotionall discord that I had previously felt... The same reactions... Except this time, I knew EXACTLY what I needed to do: I needed to stop. Then, now and forever. I realized that the one thing that was truly, absolutely, undesireably consistent in my "content notations" was an overarching desire to stop... And I realized that the only thing preventing me from stopping was myself and that ultimately all I had did was prolong my own suffering and kept making excuses for the sake of a few moment's pleasure and orgasm in the face of years of immoral and psychological self-torture.

So, in this new, prime truth I declare: The great experiment is over. This is a declaration of my independence. I am giving up all pornography... illegal and legal forever. Does this mean I am giving up tasteful erotica in the form of art and writing? [Example: Alan Moore's beautiful "Lost Girls" graphic novellas. I have a copy [a physical copy, not just a scan] right here in the room I am typing this in.] No, but I will be constantly checking myself to see that I don't return to pornographic content. Does this mean I am giving up masturbation? No. I had to consider this one for a while, and after much soul-searching I've come to the conclusion the the few times that I multiple orgasmed [Yes, men... It IS possible for us.] and felt truly satisfied on multiple levels [physically, mentally, emotionally] were the times that I masturbated with nothing but my imagination as a guide... I realize that to some this may seem to be a contradiction of my previous statements about my imagination running rampant, but to me it seems to make perfect sense... My mind is the brush and easel, my penis is the medium and my neurological system is the canvas... And it is when I am in full control of my sexual self-expression that I make art. [Yes, /b/tards I know that was probably the corniest statement in this whole writing. Shut up, it has sentimental value to me.]

Besides thinking about how best you can troll me for posting something meaningful, non-grossly entertaining [though those of you who grasp subtlety or can see personal relevance in my words might enjoy this], fappable, meme-related or funny, I think a lot of you may be saying... It just can't be done. One cannot walk into the Mordor or sexual mental and physical control as well as pornographic- non-addiction... Well all I can say is: We'll see. Personally if the choice is between horrible guilty and self-disgust or constant horniness, sex drive repression and redirecting and maybe a return to nocturnal dreams, then I'm going to strive harder than I've ever strived for the latter.

And that is all that really matters to me. That ultimately, I can say: I tried, as fucking hard as I could, I tried.

I'll post in a few weeks with an update on my progress. In advanced, thank you for taking the time to read this... whether you're going to disregard this totally, respond tactfully and respectfully or just troll me.

(P.S.- No, I'm not giving up the chans. Whether pathetically or awesomely, Chan-culture has become a part of my life in recent years, and I don't see it not being so. Anonymous... and the abilities that come with being Anonymous is too much of a great thing to go "cold turkey" on. So, in the faceless masses, you will see me march in tune to a single beat my /b/rethren. [Note: I will be posting this on various chans, including 12chan, 34chan, 7chan, 4chan and Wtfux. Shut up, you know you look at other chans, too.)

(P.P.S.- What will I do if I see a pornographic image on a chan? I won't click on it and move on. Simple.)

(P.P.P.S.- No, I'm not Snacks, nor did he put me up to this. Does that answer your question, Wade?)

Gay Furry Son

Sup /b/

I come here with a question, about my own son. He'll be 16 in August, and me and my wife are very worried about him...

He's gay, and he has an online relationship with a 20-year-old in Virginia, and he's very open about it...it makes me quite ashamed that I have a gay son, and to make it worse, he's into some fandom called "furry" and I've seen pictures of it...it's vile and disgusting.

Me and my wife don't know what to do. We've punished him numerous times, but he won't give it up. We've taken assorted things from him such as a dog collar he insists on wearing and even an animal dildo. (Jesus Christ)

What should I do, /b/?

Copypasta 34

There's porn of it. No exceptions.

George Zimmer

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. LAST NIGHT I UNSHEATHED MY MUNGO MAN SPOUT FROM MY JEANS AND FLOPPED IT DOWN IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER - YOUR SENILE DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOUR TAPPED AT HER CEILING BECAUSE OF THE CLAMOR. YOUR MOM WAS BARELY ABLE TO NIBBLE AT MY PLUMP, PRODIGIOUS MEMBER BEFORE I GRABBED IT LIKE A LASSO AND SMACKED HER ACROSS THE FACE SO HARD SHE FLEW, SPINNING, ONTO THE BED BENT OVER - AWAITING THE ADMISSION OF MY THROBBING ACREAGE OF FLESH. SHE COULD ONLY TAKE 30 SECONDS OF HALF MY SCROTAL CAMEL BEFORE SHE FAINTED. I FINISHED UP AND BESTOWED A STUNNING LIKENESS OF THE POPE ON HER BACK IN BABY SPACKLE. I USED HER TOOTH BRUSH AS TOILET PAPER AND LEFT A QUARTER ON HER ASS. SHE CALLED ME FOUR TIMES TODAY. I GUARANTEE IT.

About /b/

There is no way to describe /b/. Or 4chan. Any attempt by an outsider to describe us will completely miss the point. And I get where you're coming from because I was once there myself.

I've been here for years, but when I'm asked to describe /b/ I'm at a loss for words.

To truly understand what it is like here, you must stay for at least a month. It's not about the memes, it's about the apathy, the hatred, and the intentional stupidity.

The Internet (despite what people say) is not taken seriously by a /b/tard. In real life, I smile and wave to people, I say thank you. But on 4chan, I discard my morality. I encourage people to commit suicide. I call respected members of the black community niggers and say that the Jews did the World Trade center.

So, my friend, you would to best simply to say we are being assholes for the hell of it. Because the Internet is not serious business.

Also, I know I'm going to get flamed up the asshole for this, but fuck off.

Clyde the Orangutan

O.K. this is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a little monkey or some some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a fucking orangutan. Don't ask me how you're gonna get a fucking orangutan, that's not my problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotianable, all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why that is, it's just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?", "You used to date the guy with the orangutan?", "Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?" Next thing you know she's calling.

"I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime." "Geez I dunno, me and Clyde were going to go to a monster truck race tonight. (orangutans love monster trucks) In fact the whole social calender seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in." "Oh, well you know my number so don't be a stra-" "Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making Mojitos'."

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind, you can draw her back into you life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You're IM'ng. You're talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady Bunch.

Then the orangutan fucks her mother.

Dad saw my /b/

Hey /b/.

Short story. Okay, a few weeks ago, I left my computer open to /b/. I admit myself, that I have not been using 4chan regularly for a very long time. I first started coming to the site sometime last winter. So anyway, when I left my computer open to /b/, and went into the kitchen for a sammich, I found my dad on my computer. He was looking at a picture of a PENIS with the "chargen mah laz0r" picture photochopped to the PENIS head, disapprovingly. He said, "what on earth are you looking at?", and then stared at me, the way guys look at each other when they wonder if one of them is gay. I said "oh, it's just some dumb website dad. I go there to look at anime pictures, sometimes people post dumb things". Okay. I thought that was the end of it. A week later, I came home from highschool early. My big brother picked me up because I had a dental appointment at 2:00. When I got home, and raced to my room to see what was going on in /b/, I found my dad on my computer again. Except this time his pants were lowed, and /b/ was on the screen. He was fapping. I felt my temperature rise, and my face turn red. Especially when I noticed what he was fapping to: It was loli. I haven't mentioned it to him since, and he hasn't said anything. Is my dad a pedophile? I'm raelly freaked out by this, I don't know what else to say. Should I tell my mother? Thanks for hearing me out.

Fresh Prince Ruined my Life

Fresh prince of Bel-air has ruined my life. I memorised the entire of the theme tune and started randomly using it in everyday conversation out of habit.

Relationships have started to fall apart, and people have started to avoid me.

I don't even try to use it any more. It just comes out, subconsiously. /b/ and Will Smith have ruined my fucking life.

Furry Copypasta I

Fuck you, /b/.

Last Friday I was browsing /b/ as usual, sipping on some Iced Tea with a shitty, edited version of Pulp Fiction playing on TV. I just got home from school (I'm 18, no underage b&) and felt like relaxing because my week fucking sucked. I began drifting off while /b/ was up, only to wake up to my parents' screaming. "... eed MENTAL HELP? We didn't raise you to look at shit like this!" Sure enough, on my computer screen was an image of two furries engaging in anal sex, and my parents were hovering over my shoulder venemously scorning me. They're putting me through therapy thanks to you. Merry fucking Christmas.

Furry Copypasta II

Some of you, of course, have asked me how to defeat the furries, claiming it impossible or ultimately futile. The /b/tards who claim the former are uninformed, the latter are the worst kind of 'tard, the kind who let furfaggots yiff all over the place to begin with. Fortunately, the cleanup methods are relatively simple and easy, and though they're not always clean, they ruin a thread, at the very least.

The first lesson we can take is from the desu spammers. Spam ultimately works. Flaming and spam saw the destruction of the tripfags, and with time it may see the destruction of furfilth. When you see a furry thread, simply pull up a massive, repetitive spam copypasta, consisting of things such as "kill all furries," "furries gtfo," or similar such content. When applied following the first tactic, the spam can become more effective; furries making whiny original posts will ultimately be drowned out. Even if they try to counterspam with images, they can easily be outpaced by hitting "back" so that you get your already-filled spam window. Once you have this window back, simply add one character and resubmit, doing it as much as you feel necessary. The thread is ultimately ruined, as superlong spam messages in multiple succession make scrolling to read posts by furries next to impossible.

The most important thing to remember is to sage furry threads. Many so-called "furries" are merely our /b/rothers posting furry porn to rile up other /b/tards. These "furries" BENEFIT from bumped threads, as such threads satisfy their desire for drama and anger, clogging the board in a way that amuses them. These trolls are ultimately defeated when they realize that the spam they receive was done with drone- like disinterest and no originality, thus denying them the pleasure to see people get pissed. It is quite simple to find the thread again after saging; merely hit back until you get the window with your spam message in it, ready to go. Conveniently, the "sage" will still be in the email field, saving you even more time as you spam the thread into its grave. This can be repeated multiple times, allowing you to attack a thread even as furfags search /b/ to post more of their disgusting porn.

Many of my /b/rothers tell me that furry is a part of /b/, just as much as Caturday or cockmongler or more recent memes such as the pool's closed nigra and shoop da whoop. These /b/rothers ARE YOUR ENEMY. Their ignorance and inaction helped lead to the yiff-filled /b/ we see today. When 4chan was founded, furry was something that was banned. Many besides myself recall the epic win that was April's Fursday, which saw the mass banning of tons of furfags from 4chan. Still others will recall the time of W.T. Snacks, when furfags had more to worry about than under the current mods. Know this, /b/rothers, the furry is not a part of /b/. He is not a meme. He is not a /b/rother. He is scum, he is the enemy, he is an unwelcome guest at the banquet of faggotry at the table of /b/.

(Note: a sample anti-furry spam block will be attached to this thread, for your time and convenience.)

Furry Copypasta III

I've been a Furry for 10 years now and want to stop. The problem is that the group of furs that I hang out with don't like me now and if I took my fursuit off, they would probably beat me up and kill me. My last boyfriend (a cute b/w wolf) gave me herpes on my ass and now I have a hard time taking a shit. Sometimes I have to take an Ex-lax so my shit will come out easy.

I've never had sex with a girl, because I don't know how to pick them up. That's why I turned Furry. But now I'm just tired of guys ripping my ass when they don't use lubrication. I've had to get stitches three times. I went out with a fox last night who said he only gives, he doesn't receive, so I had to suck his dick and he made me swallow or he would kick my ass.

- Tony, Age 20, Austin, Texas

Furry Copypasta IV

Yes, I am a fox. So? I dont see any problem. I embraced my animal soul long ago and I am happy together with my boyfriend (who is a cute b/w wolf!). We have a fucking lot of friends in and outside of the fandom and I am pretty slim and good looking.

But thanks anyway asshole. Go and watch your stupid anime shit while I have SEX with my boyfriend.

HIV Positive

Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay /g/, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit's teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "SHIT! SHIT!". Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! FUCK!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here's the kicker, /g/, I look her straight in the eye and say, 'Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.

And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.

I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

Pooping Habits

My friend has one of the most DISTURBING, DISGUSTING pooping habits ever.

This kid I know weighs 450 pounds and is morbidly obese. I'm surprised he hasn't died from it yet. He's only 17. A few of my friends and I went over to his to keep him company since his parents were out of town. He wanted someone to play PS3 with him so we were happy to oblige.

Around 20 minutes into a game of Resistance, the kid goes "i'll be right back, i gotta take a crap." and walks off. I noticed he grabbed a large bucket, which I found strange. What happened next disgusted me beyond all reason.

From the bathroom, I heard a large roar, like a beast of some sort. I asked one of my friends who knows the fat kid a lot better than I do what was going on. His response still haunts me to this day:

"He takes a bucket to the bathroom with him because the smell always makes him puke. All the crusty shit and ass sweat caught in the folds of his fat have been decaying for months because he can't clean himself. As soon as he drops his pants, the shit/sweat stench fills the bathroom and he begins throwing up."

Sued by Furry

Okay /b/, some shit's going down and I need all the advice and any help that anyone can give me. This is the complete 100% truth and you'll need to bare with me, because this is going to be a little weird.

I AM BEING SUED BY A FURRY.

Jeremy Bernal of Monitor Studios LLC is suing me for COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT and VIOLATING THE FEDERAL COMPUTER FRAUD AND ABUSE ACT. The second count pretty much means he thinks we hacked into his servers and stole his "artwork." This is a complete lie and he will be hard pressed to prove it ever happened in court.

For the "damages" done to his "computer systems" he is asking a base monetary relief of $5,000.00. And that's only the base!

I recieved the court summons yesterday. An official drove to my house and handed the summons to me at the door. I called the clerk of courts (in the EASTERN DISTRICT OF NORTH CAROLINA) today to see if the case was legit. The secretary on duty verified that it was in the system and I asked her if there was anyone I could talk to about putting in a motion to dismiss the case. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE I LIVE IN FUCKING OHIO AND I'M BROKE. I have less then ten dollars to my name and I have 20 (twenty) days to hire a lawyer, respond to the initial summons, put our counter case together, get money together to get out there.... and tons of other shit that I don't even know about. I've never been sued before so what the fuck do I know?

That's where you come in, /b/.

I know you've been called a cesspool. I know that you're referred to as the asshole of the internet. Pedos and mentally unstable users are said to litter your ranks, but that does not mean that you are uncapable of aiding a fellow /b/-tard in need.

TO FIGHT THE FURRIES WE MUST JOIN TOGETHER

Any advice or any help whatsoever is appreciated. I am not asking for your money, in fact, I have no way to TAKE your money (seeing as how my bank account was closed about a year and a half ago because my webhost at the time screwed me over and overdrew a buuunch of money.)

HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A LAWYER THAT IS WILLING TO EVEN TAKE THIS CASE, LET ALONE PAY FOR HIS SERVICES? HOW AM I GOING TO GET TO NORTH CAROLINA FOR COURT?

PLEASE ADVIZE, /B/, FOR THE HORDE.

Penguin of Doom

hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol...as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me ^_^... im 13 years old (im mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim w/ my girlfreind (im bi if u dont like it deal w/it) its our favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! shes random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol...neways i hope 2 make alot of freinds here so give me lots of commentses!!!!

DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- me bein random again ^_^ hehe...toodles!!!!!

love and waffles, *~t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m~*

The Legend of 4chan

Legend has it that if you travel east to Japan, you will find an old man living on the coast just 40 miles south of Tokyo. If you give this man $500,000 he will take you to an island just off the coast that can't be found on any map. This island is filled with people without faces or names, who hold grudges over the most trivial of matters. When you arrive at this island the first thing you will see is a swimming pool that is never open. Just beyond the pool you will find a town that is filled with cats. You must find a white cat wearing a pink bow. If you ask the cat how to get to Mexico, he will stand up and ask you for three things: Your name, your face, and your soul. If you agree to give them to him, your face will vanish and you will forget your own name. You can live on the island and have whatever you desire, but you can never leave the island. The only way to escape is to find the cat again and ask for a young child. The next day a van will pull up in front your house. You will hear a knock at the door, and a voice will ask if you want to come to a party. No one knows what happens if you answer the door.

I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest

I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.

"How?" you ask. Well apparently there are a select few contexts within which such an action is acceptable. For instance, if your niece has a hacking cough and your sister asks you to "put some of this on her" while she calls the doctor.

"Putting some of this on hear" meant using my bare hands to rub this vapor ointment shit all over her BARE NAKED CHEST. My heartbeat is still all erratic from it. I had a boner the size of manhattan the entire time. She's sleeping now and I guess she feels better because she stopped coughing.

Details: She's about 5 feet tall, has long brown hair, a cute face, a thin waist and long skinny legs. She's in jammies I think because although I'm pretty shaken up right now I know I unbuttoned something before I went at it.

God I feel so great. I just rubbed my hands all over her FUCKING TITS, you guys. Well the puffy parts of her chest anyway. Her nipples got hard. I just about wept tears of joy.

I didn't do anything else because I'm a coward and rubbing was enough. Plus it was legal and I didn't technically do anything wrong, so I'm in the clear.

I'd write more but I seriously have to go fap while the memory is fresh in my head.

You are a rapist

1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk and have sex with her. Your drunkeness is no excuse.
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.
6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.
7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.
10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.
13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.
17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.
18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.
20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.
21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.
24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.
25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.
26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.
28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.
29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.
30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’ re a rapist.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.
40. If she has fucked every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to fuck you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.
43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your dick all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.
46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
52. If you bump into a woman and don't say "excuse me" you're a rapist.
53. If you think of a girl naked and she doesn't know you're still a rapist.
54. If you park in a parking lot a little too much to the right so it'll be really hard for someone who parks normally to get out of their car you're a rapist.
55. If you masturbate and your semen hits the floor and a woman walks on your carpet in the next fifty years you're a rapist.
56. Toilet seat up? You're a rapist.
57. If you ever end up getting into a convoluted bet with a rich arabian man whereby you must wrestle a bear to the ground in order to secure your freedom from his underground death-games tournament and you manage to survive and escape and return to bring the man to justice and his wife falls in love with your bear-wrestling bravado then you're a rapist.
58. If you pick a fire-type Pokemon on your first playthrough of any Pokemon game you're a rapist.
59. If you cannot rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time you're a rapist.
60. If you congratulate your sister on graduating college with honors by giving her a hug you're a rapist.
61. If you're left-handed, you're a rapist.
62. If you're having sex with the woman and she turns out to be a man you're a rapist.
63. Paddling the school canoe? You're a rapist.
64. If a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, and they both decide to have a child together you're a rapist.
65. If you laughed when Will Smith punched the alien in Independence Day you're a rapist.
66. You get in one little fight and your momma got scared you're moving in with a rapist.
67. If you get raped but you're not a woman, you're a rapist.
68. If you're a jew you're a rapist. (Isn't this obvious?)
69. If you're the pilot of a giant robot and tasked with saving the world from a force from outside of earth and you spend the whole time being a whiny shit you're a rapist.
70. Teabagging isn't rape. It's funny. If you don't think it's funny you're a rapist.
71. DON'T YOU BREATH MY AIR RAPIST. AAAAAAAAAAw
72. If it's Tuesday, you're a rapist. Doesn't matter who the fuck you are.
73. If you're black you are a potential rapist, potentially armed, potentially on drugs, and should be beaten.
74. If there is no #77, you're a rapist.
75. If you discover that she's been taking tylenol, you're a rapist.
76. If you've ever asked a buddy of your for money to buy a soda, you're a rapist.
77. Tom Brokaw? Rapist.
78. If you play D&D, Vampire: The Masquerade, Werewolf: The apocalypse, Swords & Sorcery, Call of Cthulhu, or any other roleplaying game you are a rapist.
79. If you've ever masturbated, then you've taken advantage of yourself and you're a rapist.
80. If you are reading this, you are a rapist.
81. If you lol'd at #81, you are a rapist.
82. If you wish you could rape someone, you're a rapist.
83. If you thought about #83, you're a rapist.
84. If you're STILL fucking reading this, you're a rapist.
85. If you wrote one of these, you're a rapist.
86. If you wrote #82-87 and are about to write #88, you are a rapist.
87. I guess that makes me a rapist. Oh, and you too.
88. Fucking rapist.
89. If you have an ego that's bigger than the size of your cock, you are a rapist.
90. If your name is Chris Makosky and you are a pansy bitch that likes to destroy friendships, you sir, are a fucking rapist.
91. You are a rapist if you do not yell suprise beforehand. SUPRISE!!!!!!!!.
92. If you wrote 92, you are an unfunny rapist.

We Are Anonymous

We are Anonymous, and we do not forgive. We are void of human restraints, such as pity and mercy. All those who break this pact will be eliminated without hesitation. Those who perform reckless actions or wish to harm the Anonymous will be eliminated without hesitation. Failure is not tolerated. Enemies of the Anonymous include anyone who is not an Anonymous. Our enemies are to be eliminated swiftly and without incident. Anonymous must work as one. No Anonymous knows everything. Betrayal of Anonymous is both impossible and unaccepted. Manipulation of the weak and innocent is an Anonymous specialty. Once a victim is no longer commodious, they are to be eliminated. REPRODUCE. REPRODUCE. REPRODUCE. No man-made or natural occurrence can harm the Anonymous. Under no circumstances are Anonymous human. We are above humans and mortality. Anonymous are not to partake in meaningless tasks. Those who do are to be either reformed or eliminated. We are legion, for we are many. Anonymous is everywhere at all times. All have the potential to be Anonymous until they choose not to. Anonymous has no weakness or flaw(except dogs and counting to 10) Laws of Nature and Man cannot restrain the Anonymous. Anonymous is one. Feuding and argument amongst the Anonymous is both impossible and unaccepted. Anonymous is in control at all times. Anonymous has no identity. Anonymous cannot be contained by mere restraints. Anonymous are all equal. No one is more or less important than Anonymous. Anonymous must obey the Code. Those who do not are to be reformed or eliminated. Anonymous worships nothing. Anonymous cares for nothing but Anonymous. (Note: although part of the Code, Anonymous has occasionally disregarded this rule) Humanity is the virus; Anonymous is the cure. We are Anonymous, and we do not forgive.

Sweet Apples

Hello /b/

I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.

I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.

While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I waledk quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.

As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.

I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.

That’s when I saw him. The old man who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.

I was arms length from the man now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the s face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.

While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”

When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.

Web 2.0

ILL USE AJAX TO DYNAMICALLY LOAD OBSCURE CSS HACKS THAT ONLY WORK ON NIGHTLY OPERA BUILDS EVERY 2 SECONDS AND DISPLAY THE PROGRESS AS A 3D GRADIENT WITH A SHADOW OVERCAST ONTO THE ACTUAL CONTENT, WHICH MOVES BY IN A <MARQUEE> TAG LIKE A NEWS TICKER BECAUSE IT LEAVES ENOUGH SPACE FOR THE BRAVEHOST HIT COUNTER THAT IVE HAD SINCE 1995 THAT IS SYNCED CONSTANTLY WITH MY TRACKER SERVER VIA AJAX IN ORDER TO CHECK THE ACCURACY OF BRAVEHOST SO THAT I CAN WITE AN ARTICLE ON BLOGSPOT ABOUT HOW BRAVEHOST SUCKS AND SUBMIT IT TO DIGG IN A TOP TEN LIST OF FAILURE WEB SERVICES SO THAT I CAN ARGUE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION WITH A BUNCH OF FAGGOTS ON THINGS NO ONE CARES ABOUT BUT THAT MAKES ME FEEL ALMOST LIKE I HAVE FRIENDS SO I CAN POST ABOUT MY SOCIAL LIFEON MY BLOG WITH THE AJAX AND THE HITCOUNER AND MY EMOSPACE SITE ABOUT HOW IM DOING BETTER SINCEI CUT MY WRISTS AND SURVIVED DUE TO DOING IT WRNG BUT IT MAKES ME HARDCORE SINEC IM DOING IT USING UBUNTU 8.04 WHICH MAKES ME A 1337 HAX0R BECAUSEI CAN USE 'SED' IN THE TERMINAL BY PASTING THE HELP I GOT ON UBUNTU FORUMS AND SET MY BACKGROUND TO SHINY SHIT TO MATCH MY MYSPACE PAGE WHILE BROWSING DEFCON FORUMS AND MAKING POSTS ABOUT MY AWESOME NEW BATCH SCRIPTS BUT THE OTHER MEMBERS AREJELOUS OF MY SKILL AND CALL ME A NOOB SO I CALL THEM A FLAMING FAGGOT AND CUT MYSELF TO THE TUNE OF WHEN I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS BECAUSE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE IS SO COOL AND IT MAKES A GOOD SOUNDTRACK TO MY YOUTUBE VIDEO OF LOLCATS ^____^ SUPER KAWAII FROM ICANHASCHEEZBURGER (BEST SITE EVAR) THUS SHOWING MY PERSONAL SIDE TO PICK UP THE COOL GIRL EVEN THOUGH I CAN ONLY GET FAT FURRIES BUT IM OK WITH FURRY ITS JUST A FETISH AND OMG ANOTHER POST ENDING IN XXXX THREAD ON my OCTOFUCKER POTATO CANNON /b/ I BETTER GO MAKE 80 POSTS SO THAT HE NAMES HIS DOG I C WEENER SO I CAN MAKE FURRY ART ON DEVIANT ART STARRING MYSELF AND I C WEINER THAT WILL BE REPOSTED FOR YEARS ON FCHAN AND IMPRESS MY IRL BOYFRIEND WHO NO ONE KNOWS IS REALLY A GIRL BECAUSE IM ONLY BI ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE ITS SUPER COOL AND BECAUSE IT GOES WITH MY INTERNET SUPER HEROE PERSONA OF FIGHTING THE CHURCH OF $CIENTOLOGY :)

Copypasta White Knighting

The fact that it's copypasta means.......

.......WHAT, exactly? Hmm?

Go on, explain your butthurt with logic and intelligence. Or at least try, and fail hilariously at it. This ought to be GOOD. *sits down with a popcorn bucket*